I Lego New York

I was born in Brooklyn and raised on Long Island, so despite living in La La Land for the past eight-oh-my-god-its-been-eight-already-holy-shit years, I still consider myself a New Yorker. Meaning, I don't eat pizza or watch theatre in anywhere but New York, because why settle for something less when you've had the best? (Don't worry, West Coast, you'll always win out for weather and celebrity sightings.)

What do I miss more than being a New Yorker day in and day out? Playing with my legos. Here somebody is doing both.

I LEGO N.Y.



What's next? "Don't Mess with Texas" as interpreted by Lincoln logs?

Oh Peeler, I'll Miss You Most of All

I only saw him once. He stood apart from the traditional crazies you saw in Union Square - the guy with the cat perched on his head, the screaming black guys proclaiming they were the true sons of god and that gays and jews were to burn in hell, the guys who claim 9/11 was a hoax...

No, this guy just sat out in front of the Whole Foods... selling vegetable peelers. I thought it was absurd, an old man in a suit peeling vegetables and rattling on about how these were the best peelers in the world, how to properly peel potatoes and carrots.

But there was something about him that I couldn't get out of my head. And so I told my friends all about him. Turns out they knew him too. He was a Union Square celebrity. He had made millions selling his peelers on the street.

I only saw him that once... and it looks like I'll never see him again.

His was a particular kind of street theater in a city that delights in in-your-face characters who are, and are not, what they seem. For he was the sidewalk pitchman with the Upper East Side apartment. The sidewalk pitchman who was a regular at expensive East Side restaurants, where no one believed his answer to the “So what do you do?” question: “I sell potato peelers on the street.” Mr. Ades (pronounced AH-dess) died on Sunday at 75, said his daughter, Ruth Ades Laurent of Manhattan. She said he never talked about how many peelers he sold in a year, or how many carrots he had sliced up during demonstrations. She said he stashed his inventory in what had been the maid’s room of the apartment.

If you know this guy, and didn't hear the news, I'm sorry to break it to you. Let's have a moment of silence for Joe. The character he brought to 14th street will never be forgotten, no matter how many people walk around with cats perched on their heads.

What Does a BJ Really Sound Like?

I'm a contributing writer for a delightful website called Mad Atoms. You can read my work there - just don't send the link to my parents. (I talk about porn and sex a lot, and I'm sure my parents want to keep believing I've heard of neither.)

Besides amusing stories about movies and healthy living, the website also makes videos. Here's one such viral video! You'll never hear a blog job the same way again.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: The above was supposed to say "blow job" but "blog job" is just too funny a typo to delete.]

WKUK - Miss March - Blow Job Foley Artists - watch more funny videos

Snacks on a Plane

From airborne smells to takeoff tastes on Justin Plus One, I figured I would share this tasty morsel with you all. Once upon a time a man was on board a Virgin flight from Mumbai to Heathrow. He sat down to his meal, and had one of the worst culinary experiences of his life.

Did he blow up the plane? Did he call and whine? No, he wrote one of the greatest complaint letters ever, complete with photos for reference.

You have never, ever, read a complaint letter quite like this. It takes food criticism to an all new level.

Read the funniest complaint letter, ever.

Thanks, Japan!: I'm Hungry... Let's Go To Third Base

Here's your daily Thanks, Japan moment. I wish it was filmed in night vision.



Who doesn't love something tasty and wet in their mouth? Ya know, like a penis during a blow job?....... or noodle soup. Yeah. Noodle soup. Anyway.

I like to imagine this actress talking with her parents. It would probably go something, uh-like this:

ring ring... ring ring...

Actress' Mom: Hello?

Actress: Hey, mom! Guess what! I got a starring role in a commercial!

Actress' Mom: Thank's amazing, honey! What's it for?

Actress: A popular brand of noodle soup!

Actress' Mom: I'm so proud of you!

Several months later the commercial airs in Japan.

ring ring... ring ring...

Actress' Mom: Hello?

Actress: Hey mom... it's me...

Actress' Mom: I. HAVE. NO. DAUGHTER. You have brought shame on your family.

Mom hangs up. Actress commits sepuku.

SCENE.

Sounding the Party Alarm

This past weekend I went out and partied hard. This was evident if you saw me on Sunday or Monday morning (yes, that bad). When I walked in to work on Monday morning, practically injecting coffee into my eyes, my co-worker Carla approached me outside and said "looks like someone's been sounding the Party Alarm."

I fell immediately in love with the term. And will now begin incorporating it into my lexicon. You should too! You can prepare to sound the party alarm. You can be in the action OF sounding the party alarm. Or you could have spent the weekend sounding the party alarm.

...Make sense?

That's fine if it doesn't... because the source of "Party Alarm" is a low-budget, corny-as-hell, and completely ridiculous German music video. I give it to you here.



So keep this video in mind, and be sure to start using "party alarm" in your daily conversations. If we do this, I imagine it won't be long before it catches on.

Smells on a Plane

And you thought it was just the food, the waiting, the security checking, the uncomfortable, cramped seats, the horrible movies, the crying babies, the coughing sick people, the threat of crashing and/or terrorism and the inevitable delays that were the bad part of flying:

Seat 29E

(P.S. Whoever wrote this deserves their own blog. And probably has one.)

The Ten Worst Movie Posters of All Time

Don’t worry, everyone, the cornucopia of good movies in theatres is about to end. Whew! No more spending my entire weekend at the mall multiplex, eating wrinkled hot dogs and popcorn for every meal while sneaking from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button to Doubt to Revolutionary Road without getting caught by the 1000-year old man ripping tickets. (Sidenote: Do good movies seem good anymore if you see a bunch of them in a row? I vote no. Discuss.)

Another Genre Movie is coming out, and this time they make fun of dancing! Do you know what this means, people? After parodying scary movies, epic movies, disaster movies, date movies and now dance movies - they are slowly but surely running out of material. What can I say, I’m a half-glass full kind of girl. Which is why I look at this horrifying poster and I still don’t think it’s bad enough to make the list of the Top Ten Worst Posters Ever, in all their horrifying glory:

10. Valkyrie

Also known as Hitler’s 11. Will a tiny Chinese gymnast sneak into Adolf’s bunker?

9. Good Luck Chuck

If you can’t tell what’s wrong with this simply by having the gift of sight and staring into the abyss of this poster (somewhere between Jessica Alba’s dead eyes and Dane Cook’s photoshopped bicep), just take my word for it what a crime against humanity (and Rock ‘n Roll nostalgia) this poster is.

8. Changeling

Angelina Jolie’s floating head looks like it’s about to devour a tiny, faceless child. Hey, that’s how she found Zahara. This poster definitely needs a Change-ling! Hey-oh!!!!

7. Failure to Launch

Matthew McConaughey’s so stoned he can’t stand up straight.

6. How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days

He must have shared some of his stash with Kate Hudson.

5. License to Wed

This poster would not make me want to watch this movie even on basic cable while blow-drying my hair in the same room, just to have something on in the background. It makes the top 10 simply based on John Krasinski and Mandy Moore’s facial expressions that reveal the shame they feel starring in this type of movie. Robin Williams looks pleased with himself, as usual.

4. Just My Luck

The first romantic comedy ever starring a woman with Tourette’s. That, or half her face is suffering from exhaustion.

3. Captivity

It’s a billboard, but it counts. Four great ways to see your favorite blonde get tortured! My only question is, why isn’t this starring Paris Hilton and why isn’t this a documentary? Also, “Abduction, Confinement, Torture, Termination” would make good lyrics for a Daft Punk song.

2. Citizen Kane

“It’s Terrific!” is the tagline you use to describe the greatest film of all time?? The American Film Institute is shaking its judgmental head at you, Mr. Old Timey Poster Maker. I can guarantee you “It’s Terrific!” would never have made me want to watch this classic movie if my college film professor hadn’t made me watch it in class anyway.

1. The Fighting Temptations

Was this poster put together during Take Your Daughter to Work Day at Paramount? I can almost see a pre-schooler cutting out random red carpet photos of Cuba Gooding Jr. and Beyonce with safety scissors and Scotch-taping them to printing paper. And the slanted font styling must have smoked a bowl with McConaughey.

Whitney Wins It!

Sure, Hudson sounded good, great even. But Whitney Houston has one fact going for her that makes her the winner:

Jennifer Hudson lip-synched her performance.

"That's the right way to do it," Minor (the producer) said. "There's too many variables to go live. I would never recommend any artist go live, because the slightest glitch would devastate the performance."

This makes me yearn for the good old days. Where flaws in voice and performance were part of reality. Versus today's culture where perfection is demanded by producers.

Why producers? Why?

Special thanks to commenter EC Runner for this link.

EXCLUSIVE! Lindsay Lohan Vacations!

Lindsay Lohan and I attended the same high school at the same time (I was a senior, she was the freshman "who was in that Parent Trap movie"). I feel as though we share a kinship, although I graduated Calhoun High School with honors, and she left junior year to eventually become a movie star, recording artist, and firecrotch. Because of our shared Long Island upbringing (me, Linds, and Amy Fischer - Long Island's finest), I take special note of the comings and goings of Miss Lohan in all her Adventures Through the Car Windsheild. I make jokes and poke fun, but seriously, the girl's probably hiding WMD's in her nasal cavity alone. Someone needs to chain this girl to a radiator Black Snake Moan style before she kills herself. Although I bet her funeral at Pure nightclub would be the party of the year. She should pre-order a Louis Vuitton coffin before Amy Winehouse picks up the last one.

Lindsay and her girlfriend Samantha Ronson have supposedly-reportedly-maybe-kind-of-sources-say-rumor-has-it ended their extremely healthy, not in any way attention-seeking relationship. It’s too bad, because the most stable environment for a young, impressionable straight(ish) woman in rehabilitation is in the company of a 31 year old lesbian DJ who drags her to bars every night. Now that she’s a single lady (WUH-uh-oh! You know you’re imagining yourself doing the dance right now like me), Linds decided to go on vacation. Lord knows I would need a break in between going shopping, wearing leggings in public, and blogging all day long for a living. Wait, I already do those things – can I join her? I promise to “accidentally” leave out a dime bag out on the dresser and to keep reminding her to text Tina Fey, the only person who might actually hire her again. Check out these exclusive pics of the single gal on vacation!

Lindsay in Iraq

Lindsay on the Moon

Lindsay at Circus School

Lindsay Digging up Marilyn Monroe's Grave

Thanks, Japan!: Not as Good as a New York Slice, but Definitely More Epic

This is my daily segment I like to call: "Thanks, Japan!: Gifts the Japanese Have Given Us The World, Particularly in Media, Even More Specifically in the Genre of Commercials." You'll be treated with a new one everyday this week! And here's my all-time favorite. You'll know why around the 18 second mark.




There's romance, drama, angst, hope, and even a giant ensemble dance number. This is what a Bollywood Pizza commercial in Japan looks like.

I'm getting whiny

Oh Becky. Do NOT think you can go toe-to-toe with me when it comes to viral videos! I see your circling pool dog and RAISE you that fuck-crazy dog they show every week on The Soup!

You're Getting Sleepy... Sleepy...

Did you watch the whole thing? I bet you did.

Hudson versus Houston - WHO WOULD WIN?

I didn't watch the Super Bowl last night. Well, okay, I watched a little. But only because my friend Ricky gave me wings and chips and there was not much else to do as I waited for my cousin to get off of work so we could order pizza and continue catching up on season 1 of The Wire.

But what I did see of the Super Bowl, I liked. And what I saw was Jennifer Hudson singing our national anthem.

And then, this morning, my friend Paul sent out an email, quoted below:











Subject: Has the Queen Been Dethroned?

The classic:


The new:

I honestly think that the way Whitney's is shot really is what puts me over the edge for her and everyone just seems way more "American." Oh, and she's Whitney (hello.)

I think I may have to give this to Whitney. Her voice is smoother, easier going down. But god damn did Missus Hudson do one helluva job as well. Then again, maybe some points come off from Whitney because of the racing checkers on her jacket. Did someone choose that outfit for her?

Hudson should have worn a headband, that might have been the clincher.

If You Can’t Quote Anything Right, Don’t Quote Anything At All

Hi, I'm Becky, and I'll be blogging here this week. Here is a little introduction as well as an amusing ancedote which I hope will welcome me into your lives for the week!

I’m a Gone With the Wind-loving, Roger Ebert-review-reading, Kurosawa-analyzing film snob which means I take all things film-related really seriously. This makes all my friends incredibly eye-rolly when I try to discuss the socio-historical anti-feminist themes in Bride Wars. (Yeah, I’m That Guy.) But just imagine how I feel every time I try to talk movies with my mother, as she has never once gotten one movie title right.

(On the phone with her) “Hey, Beck, did you see The Doubting? How about The Mystery of Ben Buttons? I hear that one’s good. Oh, what about Milkman? Should I go see Shawn Penn be gay?” [Yes, I realize this is a phone conversation, but I’m positive my mother would have spelled his name incorrectly as well.]

Even more infuriating for me: worse than people over-quoting movie quotes? Quoting them wrong. A screenwriter’s words are like individual numbers in a math equation, and you can’t build a jet if you forget to carry the one! Okay, maybe my metaphor’s off, but if you don’t know what you’re talking about, shut up. That works in about every situation.

In case you need proof of what a d-bag you are while improperly spouting film lines for all to hear: I was once walking down the street in Los Angeles minding my own business (aka constantly searching my peripheral vision for celebrities) when I saw Jeremy Piven saunter past. This was before his mercury poisoning, so he was able to freely walk about as opposed to being on strict doctor’s orders to stay all day in bed (with desperate actresses who really think he’s a Hollywood agent). Someone also noticed him, and starting screaming, “You’re money! You’re money, baby, yeah!”


Piven turned to him, confused. “What?”

“You know, ‘you’re money baby and you know it!’ From your movie!”

Jeremy Piven did not look pleased. “That was Vince Vaughn.” Not only did the dude get the quote wrong (“You’re so money, baby, and you don’t even know it,” Swingers, 1996, thankyouverymuch), he shouted it at the wrong actor who is famous for it! That’s like saying “You had me at what’s up” to Brad Pitt. Somewhere Vince’s ears are burning beneath mounds of spilled over face-pudge. He’s sadly no longer money whatsoever. Le sigh. Anyway, just don’t misquote anything from Millionaire Doggie, would ya?

Meet Becky!

Ah how refreshing. It's been quite some time since I've had a lady share the Justin Plus One stage with me. This week we're jumping across the continent once more, back to sunny, funny Los Angeles and my best friend, Becky! I wasn't going to admit that Becky was also my ex-girlfriend over 10 years ago... but seeing as how SHE mentioned it - I might as well say it too. Becky was my only girlfriend! Ever! Fancy that!

I have been trying FOREVER to get Becky to come on Justin Plus One and I hope that she helps to usher in a new era of FEMALE plus ones. We'll see how many more I can drum up as time goes on.

And now, without further ado, I'll let Becky introduce herself to you.

My Name:

Becky Bain

My Location:

West Hollywood

My Site/ Sites:

www.madatoms.com

http://insiteboston.com/movies.html

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/the_awful_truth/index.html

What I might post about:

Celebrities. Japanese commercials. Emo culture. All sorts of silliness.

What I love:

Movies. Australia.

What I hate:

The movie Australia.

The Last Word:

I’m a comedy writer/performer and gossip columnist living in Los Angeles. I make a living making fun of famous people and destroying their reputations (when they’re not doing it themselves). What’s a soul? But more importantly, I’m the last female to ever make out with Justin (11 years ago), and for that I should be caged and studied.

Susan Somers' Vagina

I never. Ever. Thought I would write those three words together. Especially as a blog headline. But I needed to share this information with all of you (I'm sorry, in advance) before my head exploded and I died right where I'm sitting.

Thank you Huffington Post, Oprah and Susan Somers. Thank you for educating me on how Susan Somers' vagina plays into her health and well-being. And thank you for informing me of this as I'm still chewing my lunch.

Somers invited cameras into her home to show her daily routine, seen below. First she rubs hormone lotion on the inside of her upper arm, always estrogen and two weeks a month progesterone. She then injects estriol vaginally, which she did not let cameras see.

At that point, Mrs. Somers, you might have as well let us see. Just jammed the camera lens between your legs and up into the great, estriol-infused birth canal. Because you know that we're all imagining the worst.

Errrr.....

Remember earlier when in my post "What Wii-cession?" where I said if Nintendo reported job losses it would mean the end of, well, our entire economic structure?

Well, earlier, Nintendo released a report stating that they are now expecting a much greater drop in profits this year than before.

Before you start to worry too much, however, their original projections had included the effects of the economic crisis. This new projection is a little mysterious, but there has been a report that it's due to a major problem that has arisen with Nintendo's higher-ups. Apparently, Wii production in Japan has been so great, that it's not selling very well anymore, while in America, it's still in low production and impossible to find. While this didn't cause much concern at first, there are projections saying it will cause a huge loss this year as they lose money in Japan more and more with over-production, and also that when they ARE able to meet demand here, people will not be buying many videogames because they don't have money...or jobs.

Then again, less work=more play. Right?

Violet, Violet, Violet!

One of my favorite musicals of all time is a relatively unknown (I say relatively because it seems to be surging in popularity - especially because of college performances) off-broadway tuner called Violet. The story is a Wizard-of-Oz-ian tale of a girl who takes a hot, long bus ride down to Tulsa to meet with a television preacher in hopes of healing a gaping axe wound in her face.

There's a lot more to the story. A lot more.

Of particular note is the fantastic music, composed by Jeanine Tesori (of Thoroughly Modern Millie, Caroline or Change, and Shrek fame). And within that show, one of my favorite songs of all time - "On My Way." Complex harmonies abound. Voices mix, mingle, pray and whine. And it's all about the beginning of a journey.

Needless to say, I love that YouTube has suddenly become a hosting space for countless productions of Violet. And I am addicted to comparing the versions. Who's better? Which Violet really nails it? How does the staging compare? Are there similarities in how Violet and Young Violet move and act? Somewhere, deep in the south, one college even cast the only black character, Flick, as a white boy.

Any way. Enough of my rambling. Check out some performances of On My Way... and let me know which one is your fave. Personally, I have to give my shoutout to Pace's version. It's the most nuanced. You can really see that they're stuck on this DISGUSTINGLY HOT BUS. And their integration of "younger Violet" (the blonde girl who runs on) is the most interesting.

Oh, and I threw in Sutton Foster's performance of the song as well. Because who doesn't love Sutton Foster?

Pace (NYC)


U of Miami


Sutton Foster at Joe's Pub (why not!?)


Washington University in St. Louis


Westminster Choir College (choral perfomance)


University of Tampa Cabaret

We Can Only Hope It's Final

Today has been a day of crisis for many, many people, myself included.

While I'm not here to tell my story, I will tell you the story of a whole PEOPLES that were in a crisis. Where an evil despot had enslaved them and squashed any hope of revolution under his thumb. That's right.

I'm talking about FINAL CRISIS.

For those of you who have NO idea what I'm talking about, Final Crisis is the multiverse spanning, seven issue (and often delayed) DC Comics epic written by Grant Morrison (Justice League International; Animal Man). It's premise is that Darkseid, evil leader of the New Gods of Apokalips, has finally discovered the Anti-Life equation and comes to Earth, enslaving humanity, the supers, and begins to make Earth into New Apokalips.

Now that you're done cocking your eyebrows at this, it's been hyped as a DC Universe changing event. And in some ways, it has changed the DCU, "killing" off a few characters of which I will not spoil.

Grant Morrison is an...interesting writer. He tries to take what is very, very old, dust it off, and make it have meaning in the modern worlds that DC and Marvel have created. His language is complicated to follow, and often ends a scene in mid thought, seemingly in a way to make things more gripping or mysterious.

The one thing he does incredibly well is his use of characters at metaphors for the world they live in. In his run of Batman: RIP, he makes Batman so paranoid about a mysterious organization that he is nearly convinced that he has created the organization himself in another personality, ultimately damaging himself and his battle between his already split personalities of Bruce Wayne and Batman and their battle between their two sons.

Final Crisis doesn't just reflect the DC Universe changing, it is a commentary on comic books themselves. Grant leaves things so convoluted and confusing sometimes, it's only up for interpretation, and here's my take:

Due to some rumored bad blood between Grant Morrison and artists vs. the Editor-In-Cheif on Final Crisis, they are all leaving DC comics (minus the EIC). Thusly, there was much turmoil with the story (which changed dramatically apparently from what it started off as), and several delays ensued. Basically, there was a large amount of backlash at the resurrection of the original Flash, Barry Allen, who died a very heroic, very final death.

There are many ideas and hints at things to come in the first few issues of FC, but then there is no delivery later on. Some things are even just abandoned right out. In the end of the story, the heroes prevail, of course. But we see the gods fade and humans take their place. In the end, it's the people who control the gods, not the other way around. And while the gods change the world of the people in the DCU, the gods keep bringing up the book of everything. And how it says one person is supposed to die, yet he comes back to life.

This is the point I'm making: I'm so fed up, and I think legitimate writers who go to write for these comic books of the characters they grew up loving, with retconning. All of these things are a jab at retconning: the act of a new writer who changes the rules of the universe for his own whims. The main offenders of this are writers who resurrect characters who need to stay dead.

In the end of this story, even in the face of infallible gods who wrote the rules in the first place, there is always someone new to come along and completely shit on what came before it.

Much like new presidents in their changes of the old presidents laws (I'M NOT COMPLAINING...at least in Obama's case!) ^-^

Bloody good furniture

I do not consider myself one for interior design. I often just buy what looks cool, throw it somewhere in my apartment, and then forget it's there as it collects dust. My studio is steeped in blue, and I consider that my style. Blue. If it's blue, it works. Therefore I have style.

Needless to say, things like chairs, tables, bedspreads, and the like never really get me off. Until now.

Meet the Dexter Collection from designer Amy Lau.

You'll be sure to make a splash of a dinner party when guests sit down on one of Amy Lau's limited edition Dexter dining room chairs. Inspired by the Showtime serial killer show, the chairs are made from white lacquered wood and upholstered in white ultraleather (i.e. vinyl). But what makes these chairs truly unusual are the hand-embroidered blood designs by Leah Picker (see detail above), splashed front and back on each chair.

Am I the only person who's IN LOVE with this violently vfurniture collection!? Imagine having a classy dinner party where people sit and dine in a room that looks like the scene of a carotid artery slashing.

Dinner is served, indeed!

Only in NYC: Junk Angels

I found these two beauties on my walk from work to the 5 train last night. Two cherubs caught in a silent gaze, wrapped in trash bags to protect themselves from the cold as they wait for the garbage men to pick them up, or for some drunk bankers to piss all over them.

These Junk Angels are a perfect example of the trashy beauty of NYC.

Blogroll Plus One: Get naughty and nerdy with Sam J. Miller

As I've said before - I am here to entertain you, to lighten your day and fill it with joy. With my entries, my Plus One's entries, and anything I find in my daily digging on the Web. Needless to say, when I add a Blog to my blogroll, it is with my 100% guarantee that this is a place where you can happily waste your time every day.

Today I have officially added the blog of my writer friend, Sam J. Miller to the J+1 blogroll.

Sam is a fantastic gay fella. A fellow published erotica writer. A social activist. A radical left genius. And an all-around wonderful dude. His blog, naturally, is totally kick ass.

Sam describes his blog thusly (and I concur):

Just what the world needs, one more man in cyberspace telling quirky anecdotes and offering opinions on shit no one asked him about. In addition to announcements of upcoming readings and new publications of mine, I'll mostly be talking about science fiction, horror movies, radical politics, nintendo, random blogs that I love, queer stuff (including, but not limited to, pictures of shirtless boys).

In addition to this, SJM is doing some fun stuff including 25-word movie reviews (check out his latest for Dances with Wolves). Oh, and he adores Battlestar Galactica.

So add Sam J M's blog to your blogroll, or be sure to check for it regularly in the right column of Justin Plus One. And keep an eye out for him here, I'm already courting him to be my Plus One in February.

xoJR

Party Like It's 4706

For those of you who may have missed it, Monday marked the New Year...for the Chinese. And as an ox, I'm hoping that being in my year, this will be a year of wisdom and change for me.

So I am celebrating with my Ulala, my Blood Elf rogue, in World of Warcraft.

While that may sound dorky to some, WoW does something really cool. As it is a game that is constantly evolving through time and space, they do follow a real calender. While there are no Chinese in WoW, they do their own celebration for this holiday called the Lunar Festival, in which many fireworks are lit, people get special kimonos, and honor their lost elders (many of which are cows).

Every major real world holiday has a WoW counterpart; Christmas is The Winter Veil Festival, Halloween is Hallow's End, the upcoming Valentine's Day is "Love Is In The Air," and so forth.

The one I look most forward to is the Summer Fire Festival, in which there is a big island you go to for summer related quests. There was a Fire Island I went to over the summer, but the quests I got there didn't really get me any new clothing...in fact, I don't remember wearing ANY clothing most of the time I was there...

Break Up Comfort

If you're not friends with me on Facebook, then maybe you don't already know that my boyfriend Jack and I separated. It was a hard and horrible thing to do, and at times I feel like both a horrible person and a murderer.

AKA: it sucks.

But, a light in the darkness of emo end-of-relationship despair is this card my CEO sent me from SomeEcards. It continues to amaze me that these people are able to consistently create cards that are so timely, accurate, and appropriate.

Signs of the Apocalypse 9: Bat Shit Crazy People

I'm all for conspiracy theories. They make for excellent, spooky conversation when it's 3AM, you're drunk off of your skull, and cramming slices of West Village pizza down your throat.

But this posted item I saw at the Union Square subway last night takes the cake. Sure, I can see the intrigue of the economic crisis and the illuminati. But what bloodletting has Obama overseen yet? I imagine he would wait til his second or third week prior to assuming the position of Bloodletting Oversight.

And digital TV and big brother? Well now we're just scraping the bottom of the barrel here. I mean, I can see how Big Brother is gaining power by forcing my family to buy my Grandfather a cable box so he can continue to watch reruns of the Rambo movies in peace... but there's nothing spookier or conspiracy-er?

Something tells me their tinfoil hats are on too tight.

John Updike (1932-2009)

It's slightly ironic that I'm blogging about this, seeing as he was always self-aware of his misunderstandings of internet culture and blogs, but today, sadly, author John Updike passed away at the age of 76.

A name I remember hearing often, the only book of his I ever read was The Witches of Eastwick, but I remember more of it from the movie rather than the book itself. But I remember Cher less from that and more from Mermaids, still.

The thing that Mr. Updike said that touched me most was this, however: "Life is a video game. No matter how good you get, you are always zapped in the end."

Unless you're the damn dog from Duck Hunt, then you can't get zapped, no matter how bad we want you and your stupid laugh to die.

Somewhere, there's a flower with your face in it, John. And not in the creepy Jack Nicholson way. In a nice way...errrr....rest well, anyway.

ISO: Jai Ho!

In today's online world, people KILL for the chance to become a viral sensation. Millions of dollars are poured into campaigns in hopes of pushing a video or animation or game into the mainstream.

It is for this reason that I am positively befuddled when I come across an entity that is doing everything in its power to SUPPRESS the sending of their content around the Web.

A wag of the finger to SLUMDOG MILLIONAIRE and the folks behind it. Have you not been reading blogs and twitters? Do you not have ears? The final Bollywood dance scene in your movie to the song Jai Ho is a runaway sensation. (And I, myself, am absolutely addicted to it).

People want to learn it! Dance it with their friends! It can be the next SINGLE LADIES! YouTubers are running to get the material up to feed the starving masses... and YET you're pulling down the video wherever it's posted? Really? What sort of integrity are you trying to save here? Why would you NOT want the Jai Ho dance to spread like wildfire?

Tsk tsk.

And, in that vein, if anyone HAS a video of the full Jai Ho dance (instead of these poorly done user vids), I'll love you forever if you send it my way.

What Wii-cession?

If anyone has been keeping up with the news or their wallets, the world is in a financial crisis. (!) Recession is no longer just something to do with my hair, it's on everyone's minds.

The phrase "recession-proof" has been thrown around a lot in the videogame industry. The Economist even had a lot to say about it. Most of these speculations were due to things like, oh, 5 million Wiis being sold in two months.

However, if this previous speculation left any doubt in the fact that we're in recession, the job losses with videogame companies should be the sign of depression. Sony, EA, Sega, even Microsoft have announced job cuts in their games divisions, making for many canceled games. Nintendo is still seemingly in the clear, but know this: if and when they do, you can guarantee that we are royally f**ked.

I mean, when Sega cuts jobs, you know the world is in trouble. Next thing you know, they'll stop making consoles.

NO I WILL NOT BE YOUR FRIEND ON FACEBOOK

Okay. Everyone wants to be popular. Everyone likes having a million friends, followers, readers, fans, whatever. And sure, sometimes we'll add THAT guy... the one you don't really know, or never really liked, or never actually met, or whatever.

But I will NOT be friends with this guy. I'm sorry, even I have my limits.

*ignored!*

Great White Gay: I toldja so!

I am comfortable in my ability to tell people that a musical is horrible. However, when it comes to plays, I am a little less confident. When I first saw American Buffalo and hated it, I was nervous for the following week. What if all the critics I trust and admire said it was a tour de force? A piece of dramatic genius?

Luckily, American Buffalo got critically destroyed, and closed 7 days later.

I felt the same sort of trepidation when I came down hard on Hedda Gabler. Suffice it to say I am proud to say that my taste remains in line with those I hold in high regard. Ben Brantley's review of Hedda Gabler is even less forgiving than mine was.

With this “Hedda” it’s not just that everyone is bad. It’s that they’re all bad in their own, different ways. At times you feel that because of some confusing detours in the back alleys of Broadway, actors who were meant to be in — I dunno, anything from “Grease” to “Equus” — showed up at the wrong place.

Deep sigh of relief there. I am not an un-cultured clod! I know what I'm talking about! Hedda really is a pile of crap!

Oh, and before signing off... a bit of excitement to share. The 10-year-old boy inside of me who is still a huge Michael Jackson fan (no pedo jokes!) is skipping and somersaulting with glee.

Michael Jackson's Thriller is going to be a musical!

Could it be tragic? Sure. But I'll STILL be seeing it!

The Game Was Better...

To make things easy on you readers out there for this Monday, I'll make the transition from X to myself more fluid by doing what he did most, talk about movies.

Not just any movies, though. While you sit through your movie trailers, thinking "Wow, that Max Payne looks like a HECK of movie. I should go buy it on Blu-Ray to play in my non-gaming Blu-Ray player/waffle maker."

Now hold on there Billy. Did you realize that the gun-toting, devil-may-care Mark Wahlberg you see is actually playing a character based on a videogame??? *gasp*

Let me educate you on something: Videogame to movie adaptations have NEVER, despite their best intentions and actors, been 1) Very good or 2) True to the source material (i.e., John Leguizamo and Super Mario Bros: The Movie). And the same goes for movie to videogame adaptations.

However, we live in a new age with new technologies and a new acceptance for videogames as a viable art form, the transitions have been getting better and we may finally see a GOOD movie soon. Hey, if a comic book movie can get nominated for an Oscar, videogames can't be far behind, right?

Here are some highlights coming out in the next couple years:

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time
The Game: An evil vizier in Persia (duh) ousts the prince and plans to use a magical treasure to bring about a sandstorm to destroy the world. However, the prince is given a magical sand that can control how time flows to use in his attempt to stop the vizier (Jafar?).

The Movie: The game was critically acclaimed, has Jerry Bruckheimer attached to it as the producer and Jake Gyllenhall. This, as many videogame movies, will bring in the money. But despite any reviews this movie gets, I will go see it if there is plenty more of this:

Gears of War
The Game:A shooter in which an alien race called the Locust invades and decimates much of the Earth, and a team of space marines fight through to stop the plague (ha!) that has befallen the planet.

The Movie:It got good reviews and is beloved among middle American 18-30 year old boys. It'll be a great popcorn movie, and definitely will make the money back. As long as they don't throw The Rock in there, it may be even watchable...

Halo
The Game: Same as above (not called Locusts however), in first-person.

The Movie: Read above. Just no god-forsaken first-person scenes (see: Doom the movie).

...so maybe there isn't a WHOLE lot of hope. Oh well, we'll always have Mortal Kombat. Ohhhh Johnny Cage....

Many animals were harmed in the making of this video

At least mentally scarred, to be sure. Check out this music video that combines techno music with livestock and a mirrored corner.

Maybe horrifying. Maybe creepy. Maybe oddly beautiful, like some sort of natural kaleidoscope.

I leave it to you to decide.

Meet Jake!

I am often derided for many of my habits and interests. These include a love of professional wrestling (and NOT for the guys in spandex), the fact that I own a PS3 and a Wii (and play them), and many other dorky interests besides. Needless to say, I am pleased as punch to welcome this week's co-blogger, Jake.

And I'd also like to thank X for his fantastic return last week - maybe we can have you back in time for the Oscars? I'm game if you are!

xoJR


My Name:
Jake the Weatherman

My Location:
Williamsburg, Brooklyn, NY, NY

My Site/ Sites:
http://onehandonmyjoystick.blogspot.com

What I love:
Videogames; Comic Books; Cartoons; Food; Anything Japanese-y

What I hate:
Political Correctness; Retconning dead superheroes; Shovelware; Fanboys

The Last Word:
I’m young, hung, and brandishing a light gun. As if being gay and being looked upon as different from a supposed 90% of the population weren’t bad enough, I’m left to be misunderstood by the other 10% for sitting around and explaining every Star Trek reference in each Futurama episode (and trust me, there are some in EVERY one). I’m here to bring the understanding; to bring enlightment with every princess saved from a turtle/dinosaur thing, with every Borg being un-assimilated, and show that yes, the gay nerds of the world are in fact geek-sheiks, and not dressing like fairies just for the sake wearing tights and rolling a 20-sided die.

"What? I Can't Hear You. My Pomegranate Is Brewing Coffee Right Now."

First off, when did everything become pomegranate?

A few years ago, NOTHING was pomegranate. It was just a funny word. I doubt many people could tell you exactly what a pomegranate looked like or tasted like or smelled like. Now EVERYONE can.

Sure, pomegranate is tasty. Pomegranate juices make sense, and pomegranate flavored water, okay. It's sure nice to smell pomegranate in shampoo and conditioner when I wash my hair and use my pomegranate bar soap. Mmmm...pomegranate. What a wonderful way to wake up in the morning.

But it's gone overboard. Short of pomegranate toilet paper and pomegranate gasoline, pretty much the entire planet has gone pomegranate. I'm kind of expecting the earth to turn maroon and grow a weird little stem-thingie. Will pomegranate blood soon pump through my veins? Will my local multiplex give me red-tinted glasses so I can experience movies in Pom-o-Vision?

Latest case in point: a pomegranate phone. I was going to merely make fun of the name of the phone, until I saw that this phone also makes coffee. THE PHONE MAKES COFFEE. AND DOUBLES AS A HARMONICA. AND TRIPLES AS AN ELECTRIC RAZOR YOU CAN USE WHILE YOU TALK. When I clicked "Release Date" I half-expected to see "2055" but alas, no.

PLEASE watch the video of the phone making coffee, and a bunch of people at the office dancing to harmonica music. Who comes up with this stuff?

The Pomegranate Phone

Parties I Didn't Go To: Eat Me at Ate Ave.

Once upon a time I would go out every night. Weekend, weekday, holiday, didn't matter. I'd survive somehow on 4 hours of sleep, my eyes would get more raccoon-like by the day. But it didn't matter - there were drink specials to be had and people to meet.


But, alas, I have grown up, Peter Pan. I'm not the energetic guy I was in the summer. Maybe it's the lack of photosynthesis. Maybe it's having a monogamous boyfriend. Maybe it's the frigid cold that makes me run back to my apartment promptly at 11 PM, for fear I'd turn into a pumpkin.


And because of this, I am missing parties left and right. But I've found a happy alternative to going to these parties: seeing photos of them on Facebook! Below are photos of the party EAT ME! at the bar Ate Ave.


Apparently it's the new hot party to break the Chelsea drought of places to be. Amanda Lepore is there (or so I've read). And if the photos tell you anything, there are plenty of hot dogs and custard pies for all.


And for this, I honor EAT ME. Gay men need to eat more. Granted frankfurters and cream pies are both unhealthy and extremely sexually suggestive, but... oh, wait... I guess that's the point.


But, on the other hand - I don't really like hot dogs. As my Mom has said for years "they repeat on me." They're really one of the only foods that taste stronger when you belch them than when you eat them.


But man oh man, that's a lot of hot dogs! I wonder how many partygoers did the predictable "I'm going to deep throat this slickly encased collection of various animal parts."


Something tells me I'd eat a hot dog regardless if this guy brought it to me. (But I'd ask for ketchup).


Good job, Eat Me. Looks like a good time. Maybe someday I'll put on my Depends, keep my dentures in longer than the doctor has cautioned me to, and check you out.

xoJR