Al: Notes from the Vegan Underground

With the exception of certain humans, all animals are pretty much mindless and filthy. I hate being confused for an environmentalist or an animal lover, as I am neither. Recycling is fun, only because it satisfies my compulsion for cleanliness and organization (In reality, recycling is costly and inefficient). Additionally, coal energy has lots of long-term benefits, don’t believe me? Read some research on the properties of particle matter. I am a vegan because animals are disgusting as food, and as pets. It is true, the human body is designed to eat some meat, but I am choosing to evolve.

Years ago, when I was a smaller version of myself, my parents thought it would be great if seven-year-old Al visited the Italian countryside. My summer was spent watching winemaking, slaughtering and insect killing. I liked the wine part; however, I didn’t understand the carnage portion of my tour. Peasants would show me bunnies, let me touch them, and then slaughter the darn things. They would kill bugs on the basis of proximity. Why not open a door? I didn’t get it. The experience left me confused, and since then, I have never shed a tear. One thing was for certain, I was forever changed.

As a teenager I took a soft stance on animal liberation, meaning, I made my position known— if asked. Three years ago, as I was boarding a train for Boston, someone handed me a pamphlet regarding abandoned pig adoption. Quite simply, it was a sanctuary for the neglected and abused hogs of the world (curiously, the caretakers looked surprisingly plump in their photos). What caught my attention was a challenge; daring meat eaters to try one vegan meal per week, and if it was satisfying, try two days. It is exactly what I did. The experience was amazing, and I was officially done with animal products (including leather and cleaning goods).

My position is not one of sympathy, even though the process to extract meat is barbaric. Life deserves to be free of constraints; this includes everything with a central nervous system. There are degrees of sentience, but any degree warrants autonomy. Over the summer, my brother went on a trip and asked me to watch his dog. I agreed. Dogs are stupid, filthy, needy and overtly obnoxious. Domestication only removes wild behavior. Animals still need to be stimulated in certain ways, and can’t in an apartment with a grouchy neo-conservative. I attempted to take the dog to a park. This is where I met pet owners, and this group can be described as elitist Neanderthals. They kept asking me if the dog was a rescue, I didn’t care or know. Apparently it matters, because when you adopt it doesn’t cause kids to see a doggie and ask mommy for one. Yeah, right. Dogs only like you because you feed them! There is no difference between a kennel and a puppy mill, the two work together and push animal slaves into the arms of people who need a hobby.

If there is anything to learn from this rant, it is one thing. People with pets are complete turds.