Justin: Why Muhlenberg wants their teams to fail

This past weekend, boyfriend Joe and I were watching college football. The fightin' Irish versus the Boston College Bahstiners (or whatever the team is called.) In between make out sessions (that we did both because we wanted to, and because it seemed ironic that two gay men get it on with college sports in the background), we marveled at the whole dog and pony show.

These guys were celebrities - being watched by thousands and thousands around the United States. They had big photos of their faces and special effects that made it look like first down markers were painted on the fields.

I told boyfriend Joe that I had never experienced anything like this, because my alma mater was Muhlenberg College.

Now let me say here: I LOVE Muhlenberg College. I got an amazing education there, met awesome people there, and stayed in some of the best dorms probably available to any college kid anywhere.

But man oh man do our sports teams suck. Sure they win a lot, but we are what is known as Division III. That's the lowest of the low. Where Division I guys get ESPN and broadcast cable coverage, special effects, and tons of camera crews, we get our communication club with their Sony Handicams and a guy selling bottles of water from a cooler on the sidelines.

And why, many ask, did Muhlenberg's teams suck so terribly? Why weren't we in the big leagues with... well other big leagues? I fault one huge thing: our fucking mascot.

We are the Muhlenberg Mules.

I wish I were making this up.

It's something someone would joke about: "Oh man! You go to MYOO-LENBERG!? MUHLENBERG!? What's your team? The MUHLENBERG MULES!?"

"Yes, actually that is the name of our team."

"I! Oh... damn. That sucks man... sorry."

"Yeah, thanks. It's okay. We're dealing."

Seriously folks. I know the name of our college (damn you, General Muhlenberg!) begs that we name our team the mules. But Notre Dame doesn't have the Notre Dame Dames. And Emerson doesn't have The Emerson Ralph Waldo Emersons.

So why do we need to stand behind a smelly animal that is known for being stubborn, smelly, fly-ridden, ill-tempered, and obnoxious? How do we threaten our foes?

"BEWARE! IF YOU DON'T STAY AWAY WE MAY KICK YOU! ... ASSUMING THAT YOU'RE STANDING DIRECTLY BEHIND US AND DON'T HAVE A TIN CAN TO BRIBE US WITH!"

And I won't even get into my rant on our local Internet service: MuleNet. Because if there's anything slower than a Mule, it is a Mule that is trapped in a net. Which is EXACTLY the visual you'd want for an Internet service.

There's GOT TO be a different mascot/animal we can get behind... right?

Any suggestions would be welcome. I'll forward them right on to the Dean of Muhlenberg College.

xoJR