The Christmas Airport Debacle of 2008: Part 3

And now the final installment of Austin and the Airport, already in progres...

...the fates had other plans in store. I boarded the plane, surprised when I was in the first Zone called for once. I hadn't really noticed that my ticket was 1A, until I came aboard and realized that I was flying first class. I had never flown first class before, so I was extremely amazed.

I took my seat in large leather cabin chair next to a gentlemen in full army gear, apparently headed home to Jackson for the holidays. And of course, he was sitting there reading his Bible, very meticulously so. "Oh god," I thought.

When the flight attendant came around for my first class, pre-flight drink, I asked how much a beer was. "Oh," she says, "All alcoholic refreshments are free in first class." I suddenly heard the Hallelujah chorus in my head as I order my first beer.

So I'm enjoying my beer when I very quickly realized that we have been sitting at the terminal for quite a while. At that moment, the captain comes on and explains that the plane needs some maintenance before we start to taxi. The maintenance crew is on their way and everything should be fine. Fantastic.

We wait, they arrive, they run diagnostics, everything is fine. Great, let's go. However, we don't move. At this point, Army Guy has put his Bible away and is starting to get impatient. The flight attendant comes on this time to instruct everyone to use the lavatory in back in of cabin due to an "situation" in the front bathroom. There is a cleanup crew on its way. I order my second beer.

So as I sit, I watch not one, not two, but three cleanup guys come into the aircraft carrying only paper towels and a garbage bag. All three look into the bathroom, flinch, look at their paper towels, and leave. It's going to require more than that, it seems. Keep in mind that the time between each cleanup guy is around 20-40 minutes. We sit and wait.

At this point, Army Guy starts talking to himself about the absurdity of waiting this long for a bathroom to be cleaned. The self-important middle-aged lady across the aisle hears his mutterings and starts agreeing with him, which serves only to embolden Private Grumpy to talk louder and get more people on his side. He starts saying things like, "Two hours on a runway? Ridiculous!" and "Give me a mop and some rubber gloves and I'll have it done in five minutes!" All of which makes the flight attendant seem really uneasy. I simply smile at her and say, "Is it possible to have one more beer while we wait?" She obliges.

So first class is getting restless and increasingly more vocal about their inconvenience. Right when I think it's about to be mutiny, the fourth and final cleanup man shows up with the right equipment and diffuses the situation. Finally, he leaves, the doors are sealed and we start to inch toward the runway.

We get to the runway and stop, which is normally usual, but the captain comes on again and says that due to our long tenure at the gate, we have to wait for new flight clearance. Well Sgt. Asshole starts to lose it, saying things like, "Oh, of course!" and laughing derisively. I am uncomfortable, and it's too late for another until we get to cruising altitude.

Fortunately, this time on the runway did not last long, and we were quickly on our way. We got up, I drank more, we landed. My family greeted me and didn't ask questions when I couldn't necessarily walk straight.

And that's my story. I took me three days to write it. Ironic, since I will be leaving again today to fly back to NYC. I hope I get home quicker next time, but still with the same amount of booze. If I don't... well I guess I'll have to save that story till next time I get asked on to JPO... if I do. :-)