Imperfect Blendship

When did it become okay for our friends to Spam us?

I remember email chain letters, which have been around about as long as email itself. I remember pretty much instantly discrediting anyone who ever sent me a chain letter as a rational human being. It was always some cute story about a puppy or an old person, or perhaps something about Jesus. I don't know. I deleted them without looking, at the risk of missing out on true love or having 5 years of bad luck or whatever. Considering that I DO have rather bad luck and have totally missed the true love boat, maybe I should have passed them on, but I never did. Why? Because it's fucking ANNOYING.

It's been awhile since I got a chain letter, but what with the uproar over Prop 8 in California, my attention has been called to a similar problem. Fucking group messages. The bane of my existence. Anyone on Facebook, Myspace, or wherever has the ability to message ten, 40, 400 people all at once. And in a group of 400, how many people really don't want to hear whatever you have to say? Um, probably 400.

I can see why the "Group Message" feature was created. If God appears to you via burning bush and tells you to get word out that the apocalypse is nigh, it's a lot easier than messaging everyone individually. Maybe you've gotten engaged (not you, California gays!), or you're having a baby (not you, Arkansas gays!). Or maybe you just made out with Jake Gyllenhaal. But beyond any of these very valid excuses to message everyone you've ever met and tell them the good (or apocalyptic) news, there are precious few reasons to bother me. Constantly.

From my calculations, there have been about 90 protests and rallies in support of gay marriage since Prop 8 passed. (And to think I was looking forward to election day mainly so that I could stop getting emails about "No on 8" fundraisers. Silly me.) For each of these 90 protests I've gotten about 90 emails, which equals, um...a hell of a lot of emails and Facebook messages. It's gotten to the point where I just delete them without even looking at where, when, or who. At this point I'm more likely to show up to a protest carrying a sign that read: "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP INVITING ME TO THESE!!"

And no, I really don't want to get into any sort of debate about how important it is to show support, protest, be heard, equal rights, yada yada. This isn't just about the whole Prop 8 business, but about the mostly worthless communication we have with people nowadays. It's customary to add pretty much everyone you've ever met as a "friend," but often these are people you never see or hear from...unless they Spam you. It's somewhat rude to delete somebody as a friend, but my God, does meeting you ONCE doom me to forever receive invitations to your shows, your topical thoughts on recent battles for equality, and daily "lil' green patch" requests? If I wanted a fucking green patch, I'd have accepted it by now! I don't even know what that is! But by clicking "No" for the last 100 days in a row, I have clearly signaled that I don't want any part of it!

I have rarely - if ever - sent a mass message, and if I ever do you can bet it'll be something pretty fucking important. And I'll do it once, and then leave you alone. It's like no one uses any discretion at all anymore. Just because you HAVE my phone number doesn't mean I want to receive text messages from you telling me what to petition. If I never hear from you otherwise, I definitely don't want to hear from you when you want me to vote you onto "The Real World," vote for your friend on some modeling website, join you at a political rally, or come to your show. You have the right to badger me with this stuff if and only if we're actual friends. I mean the real kind, who hang out and stuff. Otherwise, fuck off. Before I send out a group message to EVERYONE I'VE EVER MET saying just that.

Thanks to the world wide web, the word "friend" has become a misnomer. Friends don't pester you like "friends" do. Real friends use discretion, and don't harass you about things you're not interested in. It seems like the more "friends" we accumulate, the easier it is for our real friends to acquire those quotation marks by "keeping in touch" with pokes, mass messages, IMs, impersonal texts - none of which really add up to friendship. Maybe the world was a better place when, if we didn't call or see our friends, they disappeared into a black hole and we lost track of them. Maybe the ability to communicate with so many people at once is costing us our ability to TALK to them. Y'know, individually. One-on-one. Face time.

Or maybe this is just what I get for never passing on those chain letters...