Cereal Killers

In a world of branding and advertising, where we spend weeks if not months figuring out the names, colors, messaging, and voice of every brand on the market, why is it that Kashi seems to be living in a hole all by themselves?

Today, a co-worker came in with a sample of a new Kashi cereal. I don't mind Kashi, to be honest. Sure it's a little bland and sometimes it tastes like you're chewing big chunks of sawdust, but it's not the most horrifying thing I've ever eaten.

But man, they do NOT understand product naming.

What in God's name is this? Good Friends? The name of the cereal, and the odd, multi-ethnic box models make me feel like Sweeney Todd has expanded his offerings to include breakfast.

But that's not it. This past week I discussed the brilliance of white chocolate. As I am often informed, there is no cacao in white chocolate. Therefore, it is not chocolate. But guess what? It's called white chocolate! It had me fooled! They could have called it "white sweet creamy blocks" but some brilliant Mad Men style guy swirled his old fashioned and said "fuck it! let's name it white chocolate". And it worked.

Kashi doesn't bother with renaming things. They look at an ingredient and that's what it is. My example? Fiber twigs. There is nothing attractive about this name. But, sure enough, on the box, there it is "fiber twigs". Twigs come from trees. Fiber makes you poop. The name makes me think of dropping a deuce in the woods. Aside from connotations, "fiber twigs" SOUNDS unattractive. It makes me think of rickets. Or some other horrible malady ("We're sorry Miss Johnson, but little Timmy has Fiber Twigs").

But I digress. The sample of Kashi I received today is called "Vive" (life! live!) And I thought, okay. That works. These guys finally have the idea! Good for them! But no, I gave them too much credit. Beneath "VIVE!" lie the large, very readable words

Probiotic Digestive Wellness Cereal

God dammit, Kashi! What the fuck is wrong with you!? I can't even begin to break down what these words make me envision. Suffice it to say I see some sort of Terminator-type creature. And digestive wellness? Way to suck any sense of fun out of breakfast. No thanks, I'll go for the box with that sassy frog on it.

Idiots.