Awkward Moments Volume MCXLVI

This "Awkward Moments" is brought to you by the humorless. You know, those people who can't even laugh at an uncomfortable situation in order to make you feel better about it, but rather retain their perpetual scowl even at the most hilarious of times.

The other night I went to see Lykke Li at the El Rey on Wilshire. I was excited, in a good mood, and well, I’d just had a cocktail. I was also chewing gum. This unpleasant older woman at the door checked my ID, and then said, “Theater rules do not permit gum. Please dispose of it.” (Yeah, she said it like that. I think she was a robot.) Then she held out a long, thin strip of paper.

So naturally, I took out my gum and put it on the strip of paper. I thought, “What service! They have little strips of paper for all the people who come to the door chewing gum!” Except then my gum rolled off the paper onto the ground.

We both looked down at it. Her already unpleasant face, which resembled a scowly frown naturally, somehow became even more menacing. She looked PISSED. “This is a wristband,” she said. I looked at her blankly. So she added, “It goes around your wrist.”

“Well, you held it out after you said ‘please dispose your gum,’ so yeah, I kinda thought, uh...” I tried to explain. But her expression did not lighten up any. She showed no signs of understanding how one might confuse this situation. And so I stopped talking, let her put the wristband on me, picked up the gum, and threw it away, sans convenient piece of paper. The bitch didn’t crack a smile. I’m pretty sure she was physically incapable of doing such.

But seriously. If someone says, “Dispose of your gum” and then holds out a strip of paper, what would YOU do? I bet nine out of ten of you would put your gum in it! This can’t be the only time this has happened to her, what with that robotic delivery of the "No gum" rule.

I was totally amused by the situation, if slightly embarrassed. Most people would laugh. She didn’t. Not even close. Must be a tough life, being a gum Nazi robot.