Tonight: Questions I have

So. I had a semi reunion, that was desperately needed on my part, with some of my friends from school and it was so nice to see them again. It gave me an escape from my apartment and the loneliness I have been feeling. I am going on almost 3 weeks without a job and it really is stressing me out. I am not sleeping well, I don't have money for food, and I really don't know what I am going to do.

I have also been reading my favorite book of all time "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" by Stephen Chbosky, and it's about my fifth time reading it, but this book is impacting me more this go through, than ever before. It's unreal. I love reading, and in the city, I do most of my reading on the trains. I seriously have had to stop reading because I was overwhelmed by what I was reading. I just connected so much to it, I understood the pain and the motivations and the hurt and sorrow and suffering, so much, that it was like I lost my breath. My chest constricted and I felt like I was suffocating. I love this book and it's levels, and how I am able to have such a strong emotional reaction to it. If you read just one book in your life, it should be this one. But, with the way I have been feeling and reading this book, has really kind of got me down. Like, I am in this weird sort of depressed, lethargic, pessimistic mood, where I feel like I am a complete failure at all things and feel like I am wasting my life away, here in New York.

So, I went out tonight to hang out, and I bump into some other people I go to school with. One of the people there was this guy I used to have a crush on, looking gorgeous as ever, and I literally had to make a conscious effort to not stare at him. Once my group showed up I continued to steal glances at him. About halfway through the night his boyfriend showed up (I didn't know he had a boyfriend), a boyfriend whom I'm sure is nice, but I didn't like him. Yes, I was jealous, what do you want from me? He is hot, I had a crush on him, it doesn't just fade into thin air. I wish I could control my emotions, but alas, I cannot. So, I hung out with my good friends, I was tortured by being in the presence of a gorgeous man and his not-to-appetizing boyfriend (I mean, c'mon, I am so much cuter than he is!) and a completely sober night due to lack of any money, whatsoever.

I needed tonight. I needed to be with people, to vent and to love and to just be present with.